When the Light at the End of the Tunnel Gets Bigger

I haven’t written anything in a very long time.

Maybe that alone should have told me something.

Writing has always been a place where I could put things down. Where I could take the noise in my head, the weight on my shoulders, the questions in my heart, and somehow make sense of them by turning them into words.

And lately, I have been carrying a lot.

If I am completely honest, I feel like I am standing somewhere on the edge of losing myself. I can’t really find a better way of saying it right now.

Not losing myself completely.

But losing touch with the version of me I remember so well.

The person who had this natural joy inside him. The person with energy and dreams and excitement about what could still be. The person who wanted to reach for the stars, become better, live healthier, look after himself and build a life he could be proud of.

I miss him.

And perhaps that is why I am writing again.

Because somewhere underneath all this tiredness, I know he is still here.

I am praying for the day when that joy rises in me again.

I am praying for better days.

Not for more things. Not for more possessions. Not for some glamorous version of life where everything suddenly looks impressive from the outside.

I learned a long time ago that material things do not fulfil us.

What I find myself longing for now is something much simpler.

Healthy support.

Healthy friendships.

People around me who think deeply, dream boldly, encourage one another and want to grow.

A place where I don't always have to be the strong one.

Because I am tired.

I am tired of carrying myself and, at times, feeling as though I need to carry everyone around me too.

And perhaps one of the lessons I am still learning is that I was never supposed to carry everything.

We are human.

We all eventually reach a point where the weight becomes too heavy to quietly carry around as though everything is fine.

We need to speak.

We need someone with whom we can sit down and say, "This is heavy."

And have them simply understand.

I miss having that.

Someone I can speak to heart-to-heart when I need it most.

Maybe that will change too.

For now, perhaps this page is that friend.

A place where I can come exactly as I am.

No pretending.

No carefully constructed version of myself.

No worrying about who will approve or disagree.

Just me.

Unapologetically.

Because one thing I am learning more and more is that worrying endlessly about what people think of you will eventually stop you from living your own life.

And I don't want to do that anymore.

Seasons Change

Life has seasons.

I know this.

I've lived enough life already to know that nothing stays exactly the same forever.

The beautiful seasons don't last forever.

But neither do the painful ones.

Storms move.

Winter becomes spring.

Things change.

Problems change.

People change.

We change.

Sometimes slowly and almost invisibly, until one day we realise we are standing somewhere we once prayed desperately to reach.

Business has been incredibly tough.

It has placed an enormous amount of strain on me personally and, at times, on my relationship too.

There have been moments when that old part of me has wanted to open the door again—the version of me who could simply pack a bag, move somewhere else and ask, What's next?

There is something romantic about starting over.

A different town.

A different life.

Different people.

A clean page.

But we also know the saying: the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Sometimes the grass becomes greener because you stay long enough to water it.

And so I stayed.

I stuck it out.

That might sound like a terrible way of describing it, but if I am truthful, that is exactly what I have done for at least the past year.

I have kept telling myself:

It is going to be okay.

Keep going.

We're getting there.

And now, finally, I can see something changing.

The light at the end of the tunnel isn't just a tiny dot anymore.

It is getting bigger.

Little by little.

Day by day.

And I am grateful for that.

I Am Still Grateful

Even in this season, I know how blessed I am.

I am grateful for who I am.

I am grateful for where I am.

I am grateful for what we have built.

I love what I do.

And I certainly cannot take all the credit for what has been created around me. There are people who have walked alongside me, worked alongside me, believed in ideas, carried responsibility and helped turn dreams into something real.

I am deeply grateful for them.

At the same time, gratitude does not mean pretending something isn't difficult.

My health has not been ideal.

Some circumstances are not what I would choose.

Some days I am stronger than others.

And some days—I have learned—I simply don't handle things very well.

Yesterday was one of those days.

There were things happening in the business that frustrated me. Things that had been discussed before. Decisions and rules that I felt existed for a reason, and moments where I felt unheard or unsupported.

And I reacted.

Perhaps not in the best way.

I was called out on how I handled certain things.

And yes, I can admit where I could have done better.

I apologised to my staff in person where I needed to.

There is strength in being able to say, "I could have handled that differently."

But there is another lesson in there too.

We need boundaries.

We need clarity.

We need to understand our responsibilities and respect each other's roles.

And leadership is difficult because sometimes you are expected to absorb everybody else's frustration while somehow never having any frustration of your own.

But leaders are human too.

Business owners are human too.

Partners are human.

Employees are human.

We all get tired.

We all get things wrong.

What matters is what we do afterwards.

Learn.

Apologise when necessary.

Have the conversation.

Set the boundary.

Then move forward.

I Know Where I Am Going

There is something I know underneath everything else:

I know where I am going.

Maybe I cannot see every step yet, but I know what kind of life I am trying to create.

And I will not allow difficult circumstances—or other people's opinions of me—to convince me that I am no longer capable of getting there.

I have come too far.

Not because I did everything alone. I didn't.

But because, even with help, I still had to choose to get out of bed.

I had to choose to try again.

I had to choose to make the phone call.

Have the conversation.

Open the door.

Solve the problem.

Dream another dream.

Start another day.

There is something incredibly powerful about remembering that.

You cannot control everything.

You certainly cannot change everyone.

So change what you can.

Accept what you cannot.

And don't waste your entire life fighting with things that were never yours to control.

Sometimes we lose focus along the way.

Fine.

Acknowledge it.

Correct your direction.

Move on.

And when the next morning comes, stand up again.

Put on your big-girl panties.

And rock away.

A Note to My Future Self

Maybe this is actually why I needed to write tonight.

Perhaps I am not writing this for anybody else.

Maybe I am writing it for the Willem who will find this blog again one day.

So, to him:

I hope life feels lighter where you are.

I hope you sleep better.

I hope your body feels stronger.

I hope that joy you were missing has returned.

I hope there are good people sitting around your table.

I hope you have someone you can phone and tell absolutely everything to.

I hope the business struggles that once kept you awake at night are now stories you tell about how much you learned.

I hope you are taking care of yourself again.

I hope you are gardening.

Creating.

Writing.

Travelling.

Laughing.

Dreaming ridiculous dreams.

I hope you never stopped dreaming.

And when you read this, don't be embarrassed by the man who wrote it.

Be grateful for him.

He was tired.

He was frustrated.

He didn't have everything figured out.

Some days he wanted to pack everything up and disappear somewhere new.

But he stayed.

He tried.

He kept getting out of bed.

He kept believing that this season would change.

And I hope you are living proof that he was right.

Tomorrow Is Another Opportunity

For now, that is enough.

I don't need to have my entire life figured out tonight.

I just need to remember that tomorrow, if I am fortunate enough to open my eyes again, I have another opportunity.

Another opportunity to be grateful.

Another opportunity to do better.

Another opportunity to become healthier.

Another opportunity to love.

Another opportunity to create.

Another opportunity to make a difference somewhere.

Because when I strip away everything else, I think that is what I have always wanted my life to be about.

To make a difference wherever I can.

To give people opportunities.

To remind people that they are loved.

To create beautiful things.

To plant more flowers.

To plant more trees.

To make the world around me just a little greener.

And perhaps, one day, when I leave a place behind, I want to know that somehow I left it greener than I found it.

Maybe I am tired right now.

Maybe I have lost a little bit of myself along the way.

But I am still here.

Still praying.

Still dreaming.

Still planting.

Still believing.

And somewhere ahead of me, the light is getting bigger.